Thursday, January 28, 2010

No Sir. Someone stole my idea!

 I have some great business ideas.  I am creative and smart.  Innovative, maybe? I have ideas.  But seriously, someone pitched this idea? Someone bought it?  Some poor soul in China is producing this (questioning every minute of it I'm sure)?  And most importantly, people are buying this?  Spending their hard earned money on this?  Honestly.  I give up.

I am totally buying this for my in-laws for Christmas this year.  I am a Narcissist and a Hypocrite.  It will make my holidays so much more bearable knowing that this is under the tree ready to be opened.

I have the link if you need it.  Let me know.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.

So I had a little medical procedure done last week.  It wasn't anything cosmetic.  Totally a necessary surgery that did not make my boobs bigger.  It doesn't matter, I already have nice boobs.  I was very, very nervous about said procedure as it required general anesthesia and some hard-core pain management.

While waiting in the hallway to enter the operating room, I found myself getting rather emotional.  For the past 3 weeks, I have been rather stoic.  Didn't want the rest of the world to know how I terrified I was.  I am a rock,  I see humor in everything.  Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride.  Except seeing my beloved doctor standing there holding my hand trying to calm me down.  I lost it.

The anesthesiologist  kindly administered something (Lord knows what it was but did I ever need it) and asked if I could say "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers."  Is this a challenge?  Do you know who are talking to?  I came in here with super high blood pressure because I thought "the higher the score, the better you are!"  I am the highest of high achievers, bring it on.  So I proceeded to say "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers" over and over and over and over.

Into the operating room, they wheel me still blabbering about "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers."  Now I have an audience, I was coherent enough to notice.  Well, this just makes it worse.  I know this about my self.  This Narcissist LOVES an audience.  Especially when I now these people are about to see a part of my body that doesn't get much exposure.  The Man in My Life couldn't agree more on the statement.

With the audience in the palm of my hand, clearly impressed with my ability to slur "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers"  I proudly announce, "You know I can really hold my liquor, I'm Irish."  At that moment they quickly put something over my mouth and INSISTED that I breathe deeply.

Can you imagine what the said about me for the next four hours?  Only a Narcissist would wonder.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Your hair is your best accessory.

That's what I've been told.  Your hair truly is your best accessory.  Great Clips?  Don't bother.  It's like wearing cheap earrings.  Cost Cutters?  Even worse.  You might as well tattoo your face.  Like Mike Tyson face tattoo.  Your hair is important.  You need to take care of it, style it properly.  Wear it with pride.

I have great hair.  I have waited years for great hair.  If you asked me, "Jen, what's your greatest physical trait?"  I would say, aside from my dimpled ass, it's my hair.  Actually, ass #2 , hair #1.  I pay WAY TOO MUCH to have great hair but my ass would cost SOOOO much more.  So, I am loving my hair.  Now that's the Narcissist in me speaking.  The Self Conscious-side says, "Oh thanks for liking my hair, but have you seen how gray it is?!"  Oh it's a battle between these two!

So speaking of hair?  Should I have said something?  You know me, with my fabulous hair.  Should I have mentioned that this is not okay?

 I am sure she is charming.  She was smiling and in my book that makes her "pretty."  See previous post.  However, this is atrocious.  It's unacceptable.  It's awful.  This is not a hairstyle.  Please make her stop.  If you have this hairstyle and I have offended, I apologize, but change it.  This is BAD!  With a little creativity and some scissors, you can take care of this.

Your hair is your best accessory.  Leave the earrings, the necklace, the make-up at home.  Wear your hair like you own it (and btw, you do!)  But please, wear it fashionably and with a smile.  You will knock 'em dead!

Friday, January 15, 2010

If you smiled you would be prettier.

Today I passed by someone in a car I pass by daily.  She's not attractive.  That's mean, I know but it's true. The look on her face every time I pass her (which is at least twice a day, see previous post) is a scowl.  Here's the deal, scowls are not attractive.  Have you not heard about the frown?  It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.

So, The Man in My Life and I had a discussion.  "If ugly people smile, are they less ugly?"  I say "Hell yes!"  Exuberantly with smile on my face.  I know beauty is subjective but The Man in My Life is beautiful and the narcissist in me says I'm not too bad to look at either.  However, when we frown...not as pretty.  So if you are ugly already, Guess what?  Frowning is not your best bet.  You should smile.  Smile the God out of it.  Smile like you have no idea what is going on.  You may look totally clueless but that is so much better than looking ugly.

I love people.  You could be the ugliest ugly in Uglyville and guess what I'm gonna love you because you are a person and I just like you for existing.  However, if you've done a horrible crime, I won't like you even if you are ugly.  The ugly don't got no free pass here.  But if you are ugly and are willing to smile, a sincere smile, a "I am trying to see the good in all of this " smile, you are going to be a bit more beautiful in my mind.

Smile, baby smile.  I know it's hard.  Some days just don't deserve it but you will feel better.  And I am going to call you "Pretty!"

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"Oh Hello Mr. and Mrs. So and So" by all means let me acknowledge your presence.

So, I am working on a new wave. We live in a place where everyone waves. Driving in the car, people wave. Walking down the street, people wave. We live in a small town, people wave. So you know me. I like people. I wave. But I am starting to think my wave doesn't really give off my true essence. So I am working on some new waves.

How about a salute?  "Too military?"  It's easy while driving but might just be too political. I don't know.

What about genuflecating? It's quite powerful but at the same time most of the folks don't deserve it. Plus it requires you get on your knees but that's not appropriate while driving.

What about the standard "Rock On" sign. Totally eighties, which kind of dates me. And brings some kind of hair band vision. Not great. I'm trying to keep it classy.

What about when someone starts at their forehead and makes a circular motion and bows slightly? What's that called? Again, maybe not appropriate while driving....kind of distracting.

Peace sign? Over used. Not as cool as we think it is.

Pointing straight at the person, acknowledging their presence. Kind of hostile. Might be misread by recipient. Road rage, hell no, just saying "Hi!"  The Man in My Life thinks this might be his new wave.  Such a follower....

Flip them off? Well, some I would like to, but it's a small community. I need to keep it in check.

What about blowing kisses? I can be sweet and thoughtful with my blowing. It will take some by surprise. They won't be sure of my motive. I love that.

Keep 'em guessing. That's how I roll. Kisses it is!  And you didn't even have to vote.   From here on out,  I will blow kisses to everyone who waves. They are going to hate me or think I'm crazy.  Excellent!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Check. Check. Am I on? Is this thing working?